Sometime ago I recorded a podcast episode about beliefs and how beliefs are highly connected to one's identity. Reversely, it is interesting how many people are triggered by other's not believing or buying into their identity to the point of feeling it is necessary to prove oneself. I had a client who was engaging in exposure therapy where we were processing their complex trauma and how it impacts their fight response. Eventually, what triggered this fight response was the fear of being judged. I remember vividly, my client stating, "I am a good person. I am not a mean person" with such conviction it sparked me to question who they were trying to convince: themselves, others, or specifically me. I then asked my client why it was important to for others to believe they were "good" or "not mean" and what that signified in their own life. Later, we were able to conclude that people believe what they choose to believe about you. In role-play, my client challenged me and asked, "who are you?" to which I replied, "I am what you see." From this my client assumed relief in understanding they could live freely if they let go of the notion they had to live up to an identity and regardless if they did or not, others are free to see them as they choose to.
It all reminds me of the song by Eminem, The Way I am. Essentially, how you see me is what I am to you but how I see myself is what I am to me. However, there is some level of frustration and grief when people cannot take you at face value. I think what we should query is the function of someone else superimposing an identity on you. If someone calls you lazy and you see yourself as a hard worker, is this a tactic for the other person to get you to do more work or compensate for the things they don't want to do? Or could this person be projecting their inner critic because perhaps they too see you as a hard worker and may feel they are inadequate? I struggled with this myself but eventually learned that I was being praised for being a great listener, responsible, and giving by people who wanted to motivate me to continue to listen to their problems, be responsible for their choices, and give my resources to them freely. From this, we can conclude, that if you cling to a characteristic or an identity and you come up short or someone else challenges your identity, you will succumb to the believe me reflex.